Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (Summit Entertainment, directed by Guy Ritchie)

Another Guy Ritchie movie, another plot that’s basically impossible to explain. But the gist of what happens is that four friends - Soap, Tom, Eddy and Bacon, collectively known in this post as the Boys - chip in some money so that Eddy, a card shark, can buy in to a high stakes game of poker and rob some fools with his telekinesis.

Unfortunately, one of the players has a camera set up so that he can see Eddy’s cards, and when the right hand comes along he puts up a 500,000 bet to put the Boys collectively in debt for half a million… whatever kind of money they use in England.

Anyways, they manage to pay it off, but to no purpose because the guy they owe money to ends up with a bullet in his chest at the end of the movie. Anti-climactic, but whatever.

It’s also worth mentioning that this is the first movie that we’ve filMVP’d by request, and thanks to our follower derrickgl for requesting it. If you find yourself in this corner of the internet, we imagine you like movies, so go on and click the “Request A Movie” tab on the sidebar and we’ll be happy to do it.

And now, the awards:

Most Valuable Player

Big Chris (as played by Vinnie Jones) – If you’re a debt collector for a man called “Hatchet,” you’re obviously a badass.

No one would mess with such a man, in fact. If you were dumb enough to do that (Dog), you’d probably get your head slammed repeatedly in a car door. And who would want that?

It’s a hell of a reason to not pick a fight with Big Chris, but it’s not the reason he wins MVP. The reason why Big Chris is our MVP is because he ends up with the 500,000 pounds. This is after trashing Dog, twice, and knocking out everyone in Eddy’s car, thereby eliminating the only four people who might have wanted it in the first place.

It’s not a ton, but it’s hard to argue with that amount of money. Enjoy your new life as a loan-shark, Big Chris, and congratulations on your MVP.

Players’ MVP

Nick the Greek (as played by Stephen Marcus) – It’s astonishing how little the Boys accomplish in Lock, Stock. They lose a lot of money, ambush some meatheads for weed, and that’s pretty much it.

The brains behind the operation, it would seem, is Nick. Nick serves as a liaison between the boys and Rory Breaker, which isn’t exactly as easy as taking a piss; Rory is, after all, the kind of psychopath that will set someone on fire over a soccer game. (Yes, we said soccer, god damn it.)

But Nick also provides the Boys with guns, which prove useful in actually stealing the weed. And even after all their money and ganja is gone, the guns still offer the possibility of a hefty payday.

And it’s Nick who, indirectly, kills everyone who might have it out for the boys in the first place. He tells Gary and Dean where to find the guns, information which leads to Harry’s and Barry’s demises. Nick tells Rory where to find the boys, information which kills Rory, his henchmen, and all of Dog’s henchmen.

Discounting the possibility of a zombie apocalypse, there’s just no one left who’s a threat anymore. And just like that, Nick saves the day. Well done, Nick. Congratulations on your Players’ MVP.

Least Valuable Player

Willie (as played by Charlie Forbes) – Willie went out hours ago to get a money counter. He came back with a stoned girl and a big bag of fertilizer.

Thus, in his first appearance, we’ve already established that Willie’s a useless shite. But it gets better. Because Willie’s the guy that keeps bringing Plank around, leaving the gate open so that he can storm in unannounced whenever he pleases. That’s strike one, because Plank is an asshole who doesn’t deserve preferential treatment.

Plank is also the kind of asshole who will kill you and steal everything you own.

And when Plank decides to do that, leave it to Willie to convince everyone that, hey, it’s ok to let him up. We’re only in the middle of doing our biggest deal ever with thousands of dollars of cash and pounds worth of weed lying around. What could possibly go wrong?

When things very predictably do go wrong, Willie hides behind a door with a machete. At precisely the right moment, he springs out and takes a swing at one of the people robbing him.

Mortal wound? Decapitation? No. A god damn scratch on the arm. The guy wasn’t even looking at you, Willie, and you had a gigantic-ass sword!

The guy Willie so meekly attacks does end up dying. How? The stoned girl he brought home picks up a gun and starts unloading on some fools.

You just got shown up by a woman who was as close to comatose as you can get and still be awake. We know some useless stoners here at filMVP, but even by those standards Willie is right at the bottom of the LVP totem pole.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct Award

“Hatchet” Harry Lonsdale (as played by P.H. Moriarty) – This is one of the easiest calls we’ve ever had to make. In fact, it’s SO obvious, we won’t even bother explaining it.
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Okay, yes we are. Hatchet Harry is a wealthy criminal mastermind whose underlings seem to be some of the brightest, most capable thugs in England. A small-scale mob boss of sorts, he’s BAMF enough to steal a pair of antique shotguns worth something like $100 million US dollars. (What? They’re worth considerably less than that? Whatever, they give the value in pounds, and if you think I’m about to look up the exchange rate, you’re sorely mistaken.)

So how did Harry amass this small yet startlingly successful criminal empire? Cheating at cards.

No muscle cars and elaborate heists. No cracking into vaults or evading laser sensors. No, just a patchy video feed to give him an unfair advantage against people he has no business competing against. And since his opponent doesn’t have the cash to call his bet, Harry forcibly loans him the money so that he will owe Harry even more money when he loses.

Incidentally, Harry also makes a fair amount of money on selling dildos, one of which he once used to beat a man to death. Unpleasant, but badass. Now? Cheating 20-somethings out of their parents’ property in some silly English version of poker. How the imposing have fallen. And it’s why he gets the nod for the Unsportsmanlike Conduct Award.

Postseason MVP

Traffic Warden (as played by Robert Brydon) – So, this guy REALLY came through with a championship-caliber performance at the end of Lock, Stock. As a matter of fact, the winners only won because of him.

How so? He gives the police sworn testimony that doesn’t implicate ANY of them.

Think about that. Instead of having an open investigation that would surely have led to charges of theft, drug trafficking, accomplice to murder, firearm possession, aggravated assault of a police officer, trespassing and menacing (there are probably others), the Boys can rely on a signed, sealed and delivered witness statement absolving them of any wrongdoing. True, the Warden spent most of the regular season passed out in a van, but damn it if he didn’t turn it on for the playoffs. Congratulations, sir: You are our postseason MVP.

Sixth Man Award

Plank (as played by Steve Sweeney) – Plank should be ineligible for an award solely on the basis of his incredibly annoying accent.

That’s a given, and we apologize to ears everywhere for doing what we’re about to do.

But Plank gets a lot done in his short time on screen. It’s his suggestion that gets Dog’s team the job jacking all that marijuana, which also gives Eddy and the boys a chance to recoup their 500,000. Plank’s sojourn through the wall separating the apartments leads Dog and his team into the gunfight that eventually kills everyone. Actually, check that, because even after all that bloodshed, Rory Breaker is still alive.

Rory’s survival is problematic for the Boys. We know that Mr. Breaker is batshit insane, and should he ever find out who actually stole his weed… well, let’s just say we pity the fools.

But it’s not a problem that the boys ever have to solve, because guess who comes charging to the rescue? That’s right. Plank. Plank shoots Rory Breaker right in the face and, for good measure, gets himself killed as well to end any danger that the Boys might be in.

So that’s three things going Plank’s way. A fourth? His untimely death saves us the trouble of ever having to listen to that god damn accent again. That’s four really good contributions from a character who wouldn’t be in the credits if Guy Ritchie weren’t contractually obligated to put him there.

So well done, Plank. We’re proud of you for breaking the “Annoying Accents” barrier and winning this Sixth Man award. But seriously, stay dead for as long as you can, because your voice really is unbearable.

Comeback Player of the Year

The Boys (as played by Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Nick Moran and Jason Statham) – When we first decided to write up this movie, I thought for sure each boy would be getting an award individually. They’re such key characters, after all. But the more we talked about it, the more obvious it became that my assumption was wrong. Their accomplishments are wrought entirely through teamwork, and their duties are so equitably divided that it’s impossible to tease out one of their performances from the next. Accordingly, we awarded them an award jointly: the Comeback Player(s) of the Year.

Because there’s a certain narrative that goes along with this award, and man did these guys follow it. At the beginning of the movie, they’re riding high - they’ve all managed to raise 25,000 Monopoly Dollars (Does my keyboard even have a symbol for the British Pound?) for Harry’s poker game, and they’re feeling prettttty good about their chances. Instead of winning big, they end up broke, and in the less-than-desirable position of owing a lot of money to an angry loan shark. Yet by the end of the movie, their debt is no longer an issue, the loan shark is no longer an issue, and it’s possible that they end up with a ton of money after all. We never learn whether or not they recover the shotguns, but that detail is almost irrelevant. You don’t need to win it all to be a CPotY; you just need a career resurgence, a feel-good campaign after a lengthy period of suck. And after starting their careers strong and going through a period of very poor play, the boys manage to turn it all around and end their season on a high note. For that reason, they are the Co-Comeback Players of the Year.

Hustle Award

Dog (as played by Frank Harper) – Dog certainly isn’t the most likeable character in the movie; as a matter of fact, he wouldn’t have gotten a single vote for Players’ MVP. His own teammates probably can’t even stand him.

Yet when it comes to hustle, you’ve got to give the man some credit: he gets a first row seat to a massive firefight, gets someone’s brains splattered across his face, headbutted by Big Chris, and then HIT BY A CAR… and still has the wherewithal to chase after his assailant. That’s what I call giving 110%. A well-earned Hustle Award.

You-Don’t-Deserve-This Award

Dean and Gary (as played by TK) – Imagine you’re some petty thief. Someone asks you to go steal some guns.

Right, done and done. Except that, even though you did exactly what you were asked to do, your client decides that you stole the wrong guns and sold the ones that were his. And moreover, he’s mad at you. That seems unreasonable, right? If he wanted the right guns, he should have given better instructions.

But that’s ok, because you can just go buy them back and sell the other guns that you now have. Well, except that you can’t, because the guy who sold them to you is leaving. Forever. But he gives you an address so that you can… do what exactly? Go and kindly ask for them back?

But you go anyways, and are disappointed to find that they’ve been stolen by somebody else. You follow him to a building, where you storm in to find the guns in the hands of another man, the man who happens to be the person who wanted the damn things in the first place.

And then he shoots you! What the hell, man? Do you realize the amount of bullshit I just had to go through to make sure that you got what you wanted in the first place? And you say thanks by putting a bullet in my chest?

Yeah, Gary and Dean. You didn’t deserve any of this. We’re sorry, but that’s just the way shit goes sometimes. Goodbye, our dear Northern Monkeys, and our condolences.

6 months ago  /  3 notes